oh and um, happy christmas!

my grandma was drunk off her rocket and my grandpa might be insane!

woooo!

this sums up every emo moment of my life.

why do i have to submit for others' needs?

when is it my turn to have people do for me?

goddammit.

meeeeeep

It's hard watching my sister grow up. I wanna be there too; getting ready to move to New York, having a rad boyfriend, being generally awesome. It's a lot to live up to. She says I have younger sister syndrome, where I just think she's so cool because she's my older sister. I don't think that's true.

I can't wait to grow up and have a life. I can't wait to have a pattern to spontaneously break without being scolded by my overprotective parents. I'm kind of sheltered. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like completely excluded from all teenage experiences, I just have mega nosy parents that want to know everything about my life. I guess that's better than parents who don't give a shit.

blaffffdaugkjheldikTjsdbgjvlksEbjsdkEbvdsjkNsdjkAbjsdkNdksjhfGjksdjSjksdldT

i'm just waiting for your call. you can angst at me until you're blue in the face. i know you need to. come over and i'll make you cocoa.

can i just be out of lameass syracuse?

Bof Fri Fleuh

My sister found a poster in her freshman year of college that said if someone was having a stroke they would be saying "bof fri fleuh". Thats what I feel like saying a lot lately. Everything is insane. I mean it's getting better. Swim team ended, and now I'm a captain. Just more stress to add to the pile next year. The play ended but now I feel empty. Oh jeez. What am I complaining about? For crying out loud I just posted about how everyone complains too much in this day and age. Get over it.

I wish I could help you. Just open up your mouth and I'll be right there. I don't have much connection to your situation but I would do anything I could. Please just speak. We can get your life back in order.

I don't know about you. You have a new crush every week and what am I supposed to do? Just watch as you break these people's hearts. Nobody will be your ideal man. Just wait until you get to know them. Please. Just stop spinning.

You are pretty lucky for a freshman. Everything floats along for you. Hmmf. You're like 20 times more popular than me and you still find things to be insecure about. What is uppppp. You confuse me.

So now we're friends? I feel that way about quite a few people. It's weird. Until like two weeks ago I hadn't spoken two words to you and now we're buddies. Its bizarre but I like new friends.

Teen angst is no fun. Everyone thinks they have it the worst. Look guys, are we dying from genocides? Living on the streets?

I know we aren't but we still feel everything. It all hurts. A joke is just the straw that broke the camel's back. It sucks.

There's so much drama in high school. And everyone needs to know about it. People get hurt. Whatever, right? It all works out in the end.

I can't wait to start my life and become someone.

mmf

you told me that, i would do great things. i barely knew you but that got me through freshman year. i wish i'd gotten over my social awkwardness just long enough to get to know the one person that everyone loves.

purple is your favorite color. i'm wearing purple for you.

my brief encounters with you were absolutely wonderful. you told me that i could dance, not that i believed you but you were so wonderful to me. so wonderful to everyone.

you seemed to never be upset.

you managed to have helped influence a wonderful, strong, and brave younger sister. just like you.

rest in peace and know that we all love you.

Well, I guess I waited long enough. I should post a new one. Here it goes.

I am finally getting better after having sinus infection, bronchitis, and suuuuper bad asthma. Annnnd, I'm back with a vengeance baby! Well, not quite. But, I'm trying. I'm also a little comma happy. Just sit back and enjoy the ride of my crazy.

I think its mildly depressing that it's a Saturday night and I'm at home reading some sci-fi fantasy type shit novel. Well, thats what happens when you don't get invited to things that all your "friends" get invited to. I'm wayyyy over high school. I really wish that I was already in college. I need to meet new people and be less socially awkward among other things. My friends assimilated into the "popular" group sooo easily (I think it's because they have common interests that I don't share i.e. field parties. I can't just do that. I have to actually get to know someone by being in a forced situation in which I have to talk to them. Only then am I not awkward. Well I'm not very awkward around people my age or younger. Especially younger. I know that they are somewhat innocent and I can connect with that, probably because I'm so innocent.

I do still have a crazy, great, wonderful best friend. I try to hang out with her but we're both busy, her on the weekends and me during the week. Now, she's got a boyfriend. I didn't even know they knew each other until it was facebook official. Don't let that fool you, we actually are best friends who can tell each other anything. I was just having a busy, crazy week. Ugh, I hate being a teenager.

I finally made the decision of my current dream job (it's totally subject to change but it's a little something steady while my life is so crazy.) I want to be a zoologist. By that I mean that I want to work at like the Bronx Zoo and work on training and caring for the animals. I think it would be pretty darn cool. So what I've decided to do is get a job/volunteer at the Vet near my house. Of course it isn't remotely the same but I still get to hang out with animals and get paid or school credit.

Ugh. The world is crazy for a teenager. I haaate it. kbye.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

Today was Yom Kippur and so like a good jew I fasted. Well I tried. I gave up around noon. It's okay though because I'm sick. Kind of. Well I went to temple and while I was there I was thinking of all the amazing things that happened as a result of my Bat Mitzvah.

It was something I was so hesitant about. I was scared shitless. I couldn't go up there and sing in a language that I couldn't understand to my whole family and friends. There were many fights between my parents and I, let me tell you. I was dead-set against it. Finally, I gave in and agreed. I had many anxiety attacks but it was so worth all the work. For one of the first times in my life I was the center of attention, and I grew to love it. That probably explains my adoration of being on stage.

Speaking of the stage, I have to have the accent of a southern belle. Of course I turned to Scarlett O'Hara. Then I thought about it and realized that the director might want me to be a little sillier than proper. So, that's fun.

Another sidenote, my parents have sirius satellite radio and I am totally mooching. It's absolutely fantastic. Their Broadway channel is a new guilty pleasure of mine, as is the 80's on 8. This is not going to end well.

I am shockingly busy. That's what I get for not being able to disappoint anybody or say no. Let's see, I'm in AP World. That's my only real AP but, I have advanced english, independent study for french, algebra 2, concert choir, drama, and health. It's a lot of work and then pile on swim team daily from 4-6 p.m. and rehearsal from 3:10-3:45. I also have to learn my lines, I'll get to them. My accent is more of a priority though. I do need a southern accent. It needs to be cute, not hick-like. Well jeez.

Thank goodness it's a weekend. I'm exhausted. And sick. I have a cough and to my great surprise I coughed up blood for a hot sec. Oh, it was terrifying. I was home alone and I was sure that I was becoming possessed. Baaad times. Also, yesterday I had an asthma attack during swim team. It was verrrry scary. I'm sore, tired, and overworked. Today I sat on my butt all day. It was so great. At least, I'm not raped by my father and beaten by my mother like Precious Jones. Yeah, she's the main character in a book called Push. It's pretty good but I've only just started it.

Tomorrow a couple of my friends are going to see Ponyo. Part of me wants to go, but the other part knows that I need to stay home and do homework. And rest to recover from this cold. Ugh. I hate being sick so much. It seems so glamourous to have someone take care of you, in real life it sucks. Especially with a busy schedule like mine. I just need to have nap time every day. Too bad I have school and practice and rehearsal.

Theatre is what I want to do and I've gotten so much positive encouragement it just isn't fair for me to have to commit to sports when I could be devoting my time to something that I love.

Gah. Teen angst.

Gahhhh!

Right now, I'm supposed to be in health. Instead, I'm in the library writing this post. SO fun. Thanks to AP Chemistry everything is screwed up. Ughh. I had to drop french even though that brought up my average so much, AANNNDDD I was getting college credit from that class. Now I am just pissed. I got to keep drama which is nice especially since my audition went surprisingly well and I got a minor (although pretty large) lead. My name is Bobby Melrose and I am a southern belle. Unfortunately, I have a 'man friend'. IT's someone that I've really never talked to and it will just be awkward. Also, my southern accent needs some help. I keep falling back into Adelaide's accent which is downstate and still too northern to be passable. I'll get it though. Gah this computer is ridiculous and I can't format paragraphs. The keys are also mildly greasy with goodness knows what. I came in here to work on Ap global work and ended up blogging due to the fact that I forgot my terms and questions packet. Oh fun. I have a meet today which I am TOTALLY not prepared for. I am swimming the maximum of butterfly possible in one meet. I want to punch my coach a little bit, not really though because I love her. My allergies are acting up and I am just a hopelessly fussy kid. Boo.

Trying to write my novel, but all you do is play.

I know I'm bad at posting regularly. I'm supposed to be writing an essay about the contents of my refrigerator. Would you like to read it when I'm finished? I might post it later. That would give me something to look forward to. HOLY DE JA VU! Sorry. I went to the Westcott Street Fair but only for an hour literally. I did buy a bag which is pretty sweet. It's an Angry Little Girls bag. It was only $10!

Yep, that's me being greasy and modeling the bag. Great photography.

Let me know if you want my essay. I might just post it for my sake.

Tomorrow is auditions for Stagedoor. That's the play my school is performing. The director told me that "the show would be good for me". Whatever that means. Nonetheless, I can't say no. So, I said yes and added yet another commitment. This one is fun though. Really fun.

That is all for now, maybe I'll add more.

LOOOOOVEEE YOUUU!

So sentimental, not sentimental NO!

Thanks to John for that wonderful title. He sent me new music. Check out Phoenix's Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. For more music bloggyness check out his shared blog. Well, after just reading it I guess it isn't shared anymore. I know I'm bad at posting regularly but be happy when I do post dammit! I don't even think that anybody reads this. Maybe I should do something like Julie Powell and get famous. Berf. I did see Julie & Julia. It was really cute. If you want real reviews check out The Rotten Tomatoes Show. I found that through infoMania. That show is incredibly silly and enjoyable. I really recommend it.

But to who...? Who is it that I'm recommending this show to? I doubt anybody actually reads this blog. Leave me a comment and a link to your blog if you do read it. I mostly just write for the therapeutic purposes but it would be lovely to know that people out there actually read my blog.

Gahh, school starts next week and I think that is ridiculous. I haven't made very much progress with my summer reading. Two out of three books read and no reports written. I trust that I will get it done. I find it enthusing that I am no longer a freshman in high school. One of the most lovely things I have thought in a good long time. Lately I've actually been fussy and a little depressed. I think I received a text that brought why I feel this way (partially) to my direct attention. The text read, "I think our group is falling apart." Absolutely true. And it is depressing. We were the "fab-five" which sometimes expanded to six or seven. Now it's a few groups of two and occasionally three. I knew our mildly successful friendship couldn't last forever but I had hoped it would last until college. People go their different ways. Some choose to get drunk and party. Some think that Friday movie nights and sleepovers are still really fun. I'll let you think what you want about which category I fall into. Why is this blog becoming so deep...? I only write to complain. I guess it's vaguely better than complaining to people.

I guess it's room cleaning time.

Catch ya on the flip-flop.

Aruba, Jamaica, oooh I wanna take ya..

Ugghhh, I'm so bad at this. Another week gone by. No blog posts. I'm sorry guys. I haven't done laundry in a while either, if that's any consolation. Ragtime was a success, if I do say so myself. It's silly but I only really bonded with people at the cast party. It would've made the world so much less awkward if I had discovered I wasn't as socially inept as I thought.

Well, I'm conflicted. (When am I not conflicted?) Well seeing as I'm going into my sophomore year of high school, I actually have to take challenging classes. (Crazy, right?) I also have to continue with Varsity swim team (I've been on the team since 7th grade and the coach would kill me if I quit, and lifesaving would be such an awkward class) but what I really want to be doing is the play. We're doing (well they are) Stagedoor which has 17 female leads I do believe. Gahhh, I really want to do it and I do think I have a fairly decent shot at getting a supporting lead (what a paradox), that is if I can attend rehearsals. Theatre is what I am more interested in. I have a vague idea of what I want to do but it changes from day to day. Currently, I want to be an actor who works at a family-owned bakery in a foreign country or Brooklyn. I know I should be involved in every theatre opportunity available to me, but I am just so busy. Ugh, teenage angst.

Being an avid reader of Jeffery Self's Blog and Cole Escola's Blog, I wonder if I'll even get to their success level. The world of theatre is crazy competitive and I dunno what to do about that. I don't like to step on people for my gain. I will if I have to but I prefer not to. Gah my life is a bit stressful. Well I'll let you go with that. Yeah I know, nice advertisement for their blogs. Fantasmic.

he doesn't look a thing like Jesus...

Well, I'm bad at this. As soon as I got started up again, I went away without my computer. I tried mobile posting but I hated the sounds the buttons on my phone made. Oy vey. When I came back I was just so out of it, and Ragtime rehearsals had started. Well, basically what happened at Yale was that I met a bunch of wealthy kids who had no problem saying how much their outfits had cost them. One girl went to a $300,000 per year private school. How did I respond to that? My school is practically free, we just pay taxes. Awkward. I also went to Boston and hated it. Not long after I decided I was an official Yankees fan. Oh and let me not forget that I fell in like with a boy who happened to be gay. Yay me. How did I not see it, his favorite shows were Gossip Girl and America's Next Top Model. Oh and he hates Coldplay which is a no-no for me. That was just awful. I did meet some nice people, they are planning reunions already but I'm so busy this year that I probably won't be able to attend.

Two days after my return, I started attending rehearsal for a summer show called Ragtime. There are some really nice people involved but I am too socially awkward to just go up to them and be like "heeeeyyy". I did have a mini-crush on somebody in that cast, he might also be gay. Goddammit, I am good at picking out the gay boys. I just want a dorky, gross teen romance. I haven't even had a first kiss, how weird. I'm the only one out of my group of friends. It's just so unpleasant. Anyways, today I think that I'm going to see Guys and Dolls performed by the Syracuse opera. That should be pretty interesting. I really love performing but I can't step all over people. I'm too kind to hurt people for my help. I don't know....

Well I have to go.

love to all of my readers. yes, I do know it's only Kaitlin.

So, it's the same why's it always the same?

Hey guys I'm testing mobile blogging which is pretty sweet. I'm having a harry potter movie marathon today which I'm pumped about. I'm getting kind of nervous about Yale because what if I don't meet people I like. It'll be fine I'm just nervous and socially awkward.

When she walks, she swings her arms; instead of her hips.

Well herro! Sorry that I didn't post for a few days. I've been busy readying for Yale. Eeeeeep I'm so pumped. I think that I did pretty well on my french exam. LIke maybe 100 good. I won't get my hopes up though. I got a new camera which is very exciting as well. I also got a new pair of pants that could be like conductor pants and a purple striped shirt with a cheese pocket. I recently just found a most bizarre thing. It's HARRY POTTER THE MUSICAL!!! I also have the biggest crush on the guy who plays Harry. 1) His unruly curls make me swoon. 2) AS you can see by clicking the second link, he covers a few disney songs. It just so happens that the song, 'Belle' is from my favorite one, Beauty and The Beast. Gah. 3) He writes nice songs too. Adorbs.

Anyways, I've decided I like slightly feminine boys. Like really though, Charlie A.K.A. Dominic Monaghan is metro and I'm totally okay with that, if not more drawn to him because of that.

Isn't he cute?

Later I'm supposed to go see Year One with Cecily so that should be epic. I also have a crush on Michael Cera because he's awkward and slightly feminine with his little chicken legs. Jack Black is rad too.

I recently watched Some Like It Hot, it really made me appreciate Marilyn Monroe. Never having seen her act (or sing) I was surprised at how great she was. I really think she's a great performer. Also she's soooo pretty.

Man, I wanna be cool and famous like these people. Not just for the fame, but I want to do something I love. I love to perform and find myself wishing I could be living these lives. Sometimes I think that I should be doing something that could help society more and so maybe I'd like to do biological research. That doesn't sound nearly as fun as performing though. I'm just confused and maybe I'm too young to know what I want to do with my life, I just wish I had a clue.

Onto a lighter subject, I had an orthodontist appointment today. That was a party. I've had my braces off for over a year so they were just making sure I was wearing my retainers and such. Everyone was saying how pretty I look and having awoken only minutes before arriving I wasn't even sure of what I was wearing.

I love duets.

Just a quickie..

I found a website that I follow and find very funny. Enjoy that.

With my freeze ray...

Well, now I have bunches to fill you in on. Just ended my freshman year and thank goodness! (Well, I still have a French exam tomorrow).

Yesterday I watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. I loved it. Well actually I'm just a sucker for almost any musical production, almost. I also love Neil Patrick Harris. Almost any guy who can sing and act is someone I have a crush on....Yes, I know he's gay.

I've done absolutely nothing for the past week and a half (other than take regents) because I've been sick. I hate this. Also the doctor never told me what I had but decided antibiotics were necessary. I'm hoping I'll be better by Sunday because I'm going to Yale for three weeks. I'm so pumped. I'm taking a bunch of great classes and I'm hoping to meet a bunch of great people. I'm a little nervous though because I'm becoming progressively more socially awkward. I decided to go to this program because I was SO into acting and Yale happens to have an excellent acting program.

I've been reminiscing a lot about my elementary school days. I had so many friends. I still have "friends" but only like a few are still close to me. People in my group of friends have decided that drinking and partying are more important than our friendships. That's definitely painful. I also feel as if Kaitlin and I are drifting apart. This year has been busy with crew, swimming, and Jesus Christ Superstar I haven't been able to hang out with Kaitlin since she attends a different school. Oh back to the reminiscing, I've been thinking about my first best friends. We all go to different schools. One of them was a boy. I've been pressured to date him MANY times from my parents and I think I actually went on a date with him in like third grade. We went ice skating. Adorbs. The other was a girl. She moved away, not far but far enough so she would attend a different school than I. I've actually seen her a few times. She seemed kind of stuck up although she may have just been shy. But I've actually been thinking that I would like to meet up with these people because it would be interesting to see them after the majority of puberty and maybe we would all become friends again.

Right now I'm upset, nervous and very antsy. Being inside forever and not getting better sucks, especially with a regents coming up tomorrow. You'll get to find out about that. PARTAY!

Well...er...hello there!

 It has probably been too long for me to be acceptably saying that I went on an oblong vacation from blogging. Well I decided to start anew. This blog will contain many more mature matters than, "Oh I used to have a crush on him because he was gonna teach me guitar!" Oh back in the day that was why I started blogging. What a lame.

I really won't/don't have many followers but I'm okay with that because I'm going to use this blog mostly for journal keeping which won't be private. I don't really care, I need a place to record my thoughts and this is easier than handwriting because a) my handwriting isn't pretty and makes me angry and b) maybe this will be more fun.  Eh, maybe not the best idea.

I like writing and I like showing who I am. Unfortunately, I'm very shy. Once I know a person I'm usually less shy, but while it's still in like, 'Oh hey, I kind of only know you on facebook and/or  through people' I am a shy puppycat. I may be one of the most surprisingly socially awkward people you'd know. 

Well, I should set some guidelines for this blog. Firstly, I encourage people to comment and give me their opinions although, I must add that it needs to be phrased in a constructive criticism type of way. Secondly, I will try to post at least once a week. I'm not entirely sure that's possible but hopefully I'll get to posting once a day. Okay well that's the only guidelines I can think of.